Focusing on What You Don’t Want Will Never Get You What You Want!

We all agree that avoiding pain is a strong motivator for decisions we make. And it is sometimes easier to talk about what you don’t want (in a contract, agreement, job, marriage, and divorce). The focus on what you don’t want puts you in a frame of mind and habit of thinking that is very REACTIVE. When we are reacting, we are often operating from our survival instincts (good to have) and therefore from our reptilian brain. We are quick to react and to avoid.

Creating what we DO want requires us to use a different part of the brain and different thinking. Creating what we want is designed to stimulate our creativity and to engage serendipity and synchronicity as our partners. When I talk about the creative process, I am talking about taking charge and being the creator of what you want, rather than waiting for someone or some circumstance to tell you what is next for you. In this process of being the creator of our life and of our future, we are empowered to make the choices that are right for us.

We always have a choice – be tossed about by circumstances and uncertainty, and take the best we can get; or be intentional in our choices about where we want to go and how we want to be seen as we live our life. In the CDC Certified Divorce Coach® Program we help you to help those who are overwhelmed develop the focus and intention they need. This is a choice you can help your clients to make so they are able to make the case for their needs and the needs of their family

The choice to be creating what we want requires that we focus on what we want and not on what we don’t want.

Every day I hear people telling me stories about their terrible divorce and horrible circumstances; the losses, the unfairness, and just generally how awful it is. I wonder if that is really where the story teller want to live! Those who respond by providing sympathy, reinforcement and validation that the circumstances have conspired to make this person the victim are not helping that person to move forward. Those who respond with curiosity about how they want their life to be and what they see as the next step are providing the valuable support we often call coaching, helping them to tap into their passion, go for their dreams, and identify the pathway for getting from here to there.

This is where your training as a CDC Certified Divorce Coach® becomes so important. In the CDC Divorce Coaching CORE Process© you can recognize the focus immediately and help your client to focus on what they can do to move forward.

So, when you hear your client focusing on what they don’t want – STOP THEM!

Recognize that this is the “poor me”, the “ain’t it awful” thinking that will only attract more of the same.

Helping the client to focus on what they want, what is possible, and who they will be when they take their power and create the life they know is consistent who they are. What they will find is that they begin to accidently bump into people who can help them, stumble across resources they can use, and uncover opportunities that they couldn’t even imagine – thanks to you, their coach, and their partners serendipity and synchronicity!

Our next course starts Aug 31 and Sept 3 and is completed before the new year!

To get more information about becoming a certified divorce coach:

  1. attend one of our free upcoming value packed webinars or
  2. set up an appointment to talk.


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